Vices Schmices

This is the wrong freaking day to ask me about my vices because starting yesterday, I went on a health kick. Like many writers, my biggest vices of late have been drinking, overeating, and extreme immobility, and I’m attempting to put a stop to the debauchery. As a result, I’m having so many cravings right now, one of which is to go lie down, another is to eat a chipotle burrito, a third is to slam down a big margarita (not necessarily in that order), and frankly the last thing I want to do is discuss it. I just want to give in. I love food, booze, and rest, what can I say?

I just submitted a draft of my forthcoming book LIMELIGHT to my editor, which means I spent the last 3 months in #amediting mode. Editing Mode, in case you don’t know, is the most sedentary stage of life one can possibly be in, other than maybe bed rest. Or death. Imagine sitting cross legged on the couch for 95% of your waking hours. Imagine your spine curving into a perfect C. Imagine your boobs resting comfortably on your stomach. Imagine that it’s a big deal to get up and walk to the bathroom. Imagine your dog giving up on you and peeing on the floor. That’s hardcore rewrite mode. My ass – after three months of this – has taken on the exact shape of the seat of an easy chair. Thigh gap doesn’t exist. Neither does anything resembling a “core.” I literally do not have any muscles at the moment; I am in gel form. I’m like a human-shaped Posturepedic body pillow.

But now’s the time to turn it around because my draft is submitted, and I’m going to take a month or so to get my shit together (before I get notes from my editor and have to go back into editing mode).  [Cue motivational montage music.] I’m going to channel my inner Lynn Hall and get in shape, goddammit! I’m going to start some better habits (involving standing, walking, and kale smoothies), and I’m not going to drink (way too much) alcohol. I’m going to get back into my jeans and get that muffin top to knock it off already and go back to where it came from. Fuck you, muffin top.

What are the top ten things I’m craving at this very moment? This will be painful, but here they are:

1. Just any kind of cheese. (Brie, goat, pepper jack, blue, burrata, you name it, I want it.)
2. Wine and vodka (not mixed together. Duh.)
3. A charcuterie board with everything … and extra prosciutto
4. Nachos from any Tex-Mex restaurant in Dallas
5. Fish tacos with guacamole
6. Tapas (all of them) from that place I went to on Newbury Street with Deb Crystal King
7. Saag Paneer and naan
8. A cheeseburger with bacon and avocado
9. Egg, cheese, and spicy sausage wrap from Gifford’s market in Kent, CT.
10. Gummi bears
11. A hammock
12. Another glass of wine

One month of being good. Just one month. Wish me luck. I seriously hate this.