Warning: Gross Lesson Dead Ahead by Founder Kristy

When I read the topic this week I couldn’t help but laugh. And then I couldn’t stop. And then I read it to my husband, and he couldn’t stop laughing either. And then he said something like: “Well, you can blather on about that for days,” which only proves that he, too, is unable to learn a lesson without being beaten about the head and shoulders repeatedly.

What lesson haven’t I learned the hard way? Isn’t it the only way to really learn a lesson? If it ain’t hard, I ain’t learnin’. I come by it naturally. I come from a long line of hard-headed, opinionated, mouthy folk who make the same mistakes again and again, until we are finally so beat down that we curl into a fetal position, look up at the heavens, and cry weakly, “Oh! You mean that’s a BAD idea?” It’s a wonder that natural selection hasn’t done away with us long before now. I’m surprised we got past the Industrial Revolution, frankly.

One lesson I learned the hard way just this week, is to not ignore lumps on your dog. No, really. My dog is prone to “fatty tumors.” These are lumps that randomly pop up, but mean nothing. (I have many fatty lumps on my hips and I’ve been ignoring them for years, but apparently they are caused by pie.)

So, about ten days ago I noticed a new one on her shoulder, and I mentioned it casually to The Husband who nodded sagely and went back to his pie. Then, last weekend, I noticed it had gotten larger, and so I says to Ricky, I says, “Hey, we should maybe get this checked out after we get back from vacation.” He agrees. There is more pie passed around. Then, three nights ago I notice there’s a little wet patch on her shoulder, right around previously noted and commented upon lump.

But do I put it together?

Er. No. Because I like to learn things the hard way. Instead, I chuckle a little, because, as I’ve mentioned before, this a gross, 110 pound troll (yes, she’s lost weight, isn’t that nice?) that we allow to live in our home rather than under a bridge where she belongs, and I just figure she’s taken a 20 minute drink, drooled all over the floor, and then promptly laid down in it. Because that’s what she does. This is a lesson I did learn the hard way, btw, after stepping in the drool/water lake repeatedly over the years.

THEN I notice the next morning that the little wet spot looks sticky. And yet, again, I assume she has laid down outside on the wet drool/water spot and it absorbed something gross. I file this fact away for later in the day, when I am done trying to wind this next book up. I hope it will disappear by then, though I know it will not.

Sure enough, when I let her in from the patio I FINALLY say, “Come here, what have you done?” And I part her hair and, literally, scream. Because my poor dog has two holes in her shoulder. She has clearly been bitten by a snake or a spider. To my credit, I immediately drop my pie and get our lumpy butts down to the vet.

So now the troll looks even more troll-like with a shaved shoulder, but she’s taking her antibiotics bravely (peanut butter helps) and I just feel very lucky to still have the gross little thing around.

So. Lessons? 1) Don’t ignore lumps, they could be snake bites, or a spider bite, or some kind of bite, 2) Put down your pie once in a while, and 3) I TOLD you I shouldn’t have kids!

Yours always, a guilt-ridden Founder Kristy…

8 Replies to “Warning: Gross Lesson Dead Ahead by Founder Kristy”

  1. LOLOL–despite your benign neglect, I know you’d be a fabulous mom–after all, look how wonderfully you’ve nurtured us! I’m glad Troll is on the mend, and I’m with Eileen. After all, pie *is* pie, and if someone is going to go to all the trouble to make it, well, then, it’s your obligation and god-given right to eat it. Maybe even all of it. Well, er, uh…I guess that’s where those lumps have come from on me, too…

  2. Well, I’m just glad I’d finished my afternoon piece of pie before I started reading this because even though I have a dog (who leaves drool ponds after drinking from the toilet), I hadn’t checked out any of his lumps lately and wouldn’t wnat to think about doing so whilst enjoying said pie.

    Oh, and Kristy, I think if you’d had a kid, you would have checked the lump out a bit sooner cause kids complain much more than dogs do.

  3. Kristy, your poor little lamb! Don’t beat yourself up. I know plenty of mothers who didn’t take their kids to the doctors after the little ones broke arms, legs, and in one case, both arms. It happens. As for the pie, if it’s pecan, really, who can blame you? Your thighs could use a little plumping.

  4. Aw, Kristy, poor Troll and yet he never complained, did he? Now, if that had been one of your children, I think you would have heard about it! And, as for the pie (homemade, btw?), feel free to eat a slice for me since pies, cakes, etc., don’t tempt me at all.

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