Celebrity Dream Readers (and a celebrity dream)

CELEBRITY DREAM READERS

Hey there, Hillary Clinton! The other night I dreamt that my car broke down, and I was stranded on the side of a highway. But then I got really lucky! A car pulled up right next to me, and I was given a lift by none other than YOU and your lovely daughter, Chelsea. – Thank you so much for the ride! You were driving a mini-van that was full of people, but I still managed to get a seat in the back. When I got out of the car, I thanked you and you drove away, and then it hit me! I should have given you a copy of my book! Argh!! – What a missed opportunity! You and I went to the same college, after all, and I even mention you and Wellesley in the book! I think Chelsea might enjoy it, too. It would certainly take your minds off current events involving he-who-shall-not-be-named. If you also feel this was a missed opportunity, send me a message – I’ll sign two copies! “To Hillary” and “To Chelsea” I’ll add a heart!

So this week we’re naming names of our favorite celebrity dream readers. Whose picture would I like to see in People Magazine, reading my book on her beach vacation? Or carrying it into Starbucks? Or buying it at a local bookstore?? I know exactly which famous, funny people I wish would read my book. So to all the people below, please send me a message, and I’ll have a copy of SMALL ADMISSIONS on your doorstep before you can say “there’s a crazy lady with a green book standing on my doorstep.”

Jill Kargman! Your show ODD MOM OUT and my book are, I like to think, cousins. You skewer New York City life? Parents on the upper east aside, private schools, soul cycle, and Birkin bags? Me, too! Social satire is your thing? Mine, too! We’re like the Mark Twains of our time. Well, you are anyway. I’m thinking we should be best friends, but it’s fine if instead you just want to read my book and then tell people you wet your pants laughing. I came to one of your book signings for SPRINKLE GLITTER ON MY GRAVE and fan-girled all over you, but no worries if you don’t remember – You had many, many fans there that day because you’re awesome, smart, and hilarious. I would be so damn happy if you read my book.

Sarah Jessica Parker. Hey Sarah, it’s your West Village neighbor, Amy. I’ve seen you walking your kids to school, and I always wave to you. I mean, it’s pretty much like we’re best friends already. Also, did you know that we’re almost twins? – We were born exactly three months and one day apart. I know, right?? As THE New York City mom, you are the perfect person to read SMALL ADMISSIONS. I really, truly hope you might enjoy it, and, if you’re too busy to pick one up, no problem! I can bring a copy to your brownstone in a matter of minutes. Just say yes! Also – just saying – Matthew would be a terrific as Mr. Bigley.

Amy Poehler. Hi, Amy! So are you getting really sick of people mixing us up because we’re both blonds named Amy with practically the same last name? No? Me neither, but wouldn’t that be great?? We could be the two Amys (Amies?) … laughing together all the time because everything you say is so funny. I’d never get sick of that, I assure you! Oh, and Tina Fey, I’d never let you feel left out now that Amy and I are going to become such close friends. So any time we’re going out, you are totally invited to come. And I really hope you both read my book.

Hailee Steinfeld. I’ve got it in my head that you would be perfect to play Kate. What do you think? You haven’t read SMALL ADMISSIONS? No problem at all! I can put a copy in the mail to you today! Here you are on your way to your job interview with Mr. Bigley:

Chrissy Teigen. How funny that we keep running into each other in Soho! Remember when I saw you that time at Lure Fish Bar? No? Okay, but remember when I saw you stepping out of your SUV on Prince Street? I mean, maybe we don’t exactly run in the same circles, but the coincidence of two chance encounters in Manhattan is astounding, right? Like it was meant to be or something. You’re a young, new mom, living in the city, and I really think you’d get a kick out of reading all about the school scene in Manhattan – which will be YOUR scene before you know it! Just want you to know that I’m here to help you navigate the admissions process!

 Wanda Sykes. Hey Wanda! You are fabulously funny, and guess what: My book SMALL ADMISSIONS has a great part for you. If someone decides to make the movie or TV series, you would be a wonderful Maureen! You’re one of the funniest actresses out there, and I really think you’d like playing this snarky, but warm character. I can picture it perfectly.

Stephen Colbert. So I’m not sure if you remember this, but about ten years ago we were skiing together in Deer Valley. By together I mean I was there and – across the crowded lodge dining room – you were there as well! The restaurant was packed, and you and your family were struggling to find a table. I saw you carrying your tray of chicken chili, your kids tagging along behind you, looking weary, and I was sorry to see that you had nowhere to sit. So I did the obvious thing and gave you our table. Okay, so maybe my kids hadn’t quite finished their lunches, but they were perfectly happy eating while standing over the garbage can in the corner, just knowing that you and your kids were going to be able to have a comfortable time together. My son approached you with a napkin, and you very kindly signed it for him. I kept the napkin, obviously. We still get it out from time to time and try to decide if above your signature, it says, “Stay strong” or “Stay strange.” Can you clear that up for us? Meanwhile, I mention you in my book SMALL ADMISSIONS! Why? Because you have a fabulous head of hair. It’s really impressive. Everyone says so.

 Reese Witherspoon. You’re a mom, I’m a mom. You’re a reader, I’m a reader. You’re from the south, I’m from the south. I just know our sensibilities are in sync! – I would just love to get together and talk books. And we all know that when you recommend a book, everyone runs out and buys it! And bonus: You would be perfect as Angela in the SMALL ADMISSIONS movie/TV show.