I know, I know. It’s that time of year again. That self-punitive holiday tradition when you decide that in 2012 you are suddenly done with all the things you savored in 2011.
Now knowing you as I do, you’ll fight the temptation. Sure you will. You’ll decide you don’t “do” the resolution thing, that you did it for years and now at forty-one (I mean, twenty-nine) you have better things to do than make—let alone keep—New Year’s resolutions.
I beg to differ.
Now listen: I’m not talking about that box of Needhams your mom brought from Maine that you tore through like something NOAA should be tracking. I’m not even talking about that third glass of Shrub you said you really didn’t want but didn’t want to hurt your father’s feelings by not drinking. (Yeah, right.)
I’m talking about us, woman. You and me.
Now I’m not saying you don’t have room for improvement in larger life matters—heck, we all do—but I was hoping I might suggest a few alternative resolutions to the same ole, same ole as we ring in this new year together. Because while our relationship is strong, I’m not going to lie to you, sweetheart. It could stand a few adjustments.
For starters, you could seriously make a resolution not to use as many adverbs. I mean, please. The whole “smoke’em-if-you’ve-got’em” thing made sense for the Titanic, but there is absolutely no reason why you should go through adverbs like they’re in the 75% off bin. Easy, girl. Restraint is your friend. “Like” her.
I’ve also been wanting to talk to you about this thing you do where you try to start every scene with dialogue. It’s a fun technique, sure. But every scene? Variety is also your friend. Google her.
And while we’re on the subject of social media—is it too much to ask that you shut the *#@& internet off while you’re editing? I mean, how do you think it makes me feel when you and I are hot and heavy and the next thing I know you’ve switched screens to read your Snapfish spam?! I mean, Snapfish? Seriously? You leave me for Snapfish?
Now I don’t want you to think I don’t love you, or that I don’t feel good about where we’re heading—or where we’ve been. And I don’t want you to think this is all about you, God knows I could stand to lose a few thousand words myself after the holidays.
Call me crazy, but I just want our relationship to be stronger, Erika. I believe it can be. I know it can be.
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