Deb Tawna lends her romance author skills to offer love advice

As the lone romance author on the Debutante Ball dance card, I figure that qualifies me to dispense advice about love and romance.

I didn’t say it was good advice.

Still, I’d like you to think of me as a love doctor. OK, maybe not a doctor…maybe more like a janitor. Look, I’ll even give myself a nifty logo.

There. Now I’m ready to take questions and provide advice for all your romantic problems. Ready? Let’s go!

Dear Deb Tawna, the Janitor of Love,
With the economy like it is, I’m having a tough time dating on a budget. Any tips?
Sincerely, Broke Romeo

Dear Broke,
There are many great options for penny-pinching paramours. On a first date, there’s no reason your honey needs a Big Mac all to herself. Consider asking her to split one, and be sure to count the fries to ensure equal distribution. Don’t forget to take extra ketchup packets to make a delicious tomato soup later!

Once things get frisky, you don’t have to spend tons of money. Check the Humane Society for spiked dog collars that aren’t being used anymore. Your local thrift store should have a nice selection of pre-worn lingerie, and the cemetery is a great place to snag a lovely floral arrangement for your sweetie!

Dear Deb Tawna, the Janitor of Love,
My husband came home with pink lipstick on his collar. I also found a pair of lacy underthings in his glove box and a scrap of paper with the name Sally and a phone number written in purple glitter pen. Could he be cheating?
Sincerely, Fretful Wife

Dear Fretful,
Let’s not jump to conclusions. Your husband might be experimenting with a new identity. Try calling him Sally, and see if that doesn’t earn you a smile and a heartfelt “thank you for understanding, dear.”

Better yet, consider changing your name to Sally to make things easier on him.

Whatever you do, don’t attempt to have a straight conversation with him. Men hate that.

Dear Deb Tawna, the Janitor of Love,
Last month I asked you how I should deal with a bad breakup, and you suggested crashing into my ex’s house with a bulldozer. I’m being sued. Now what?
Sincerely, Needing a Lawyer

Dear Needing,
Um…try a backhoe?

***
Got a romance problem that screams for bad advice? Please share in the comments, and I’ll do my best to be unhelpful!

7 thoughts on “Deb Tawna lends her romance author skills to offer love advice

  1. Dear Deb Tawna, the Janitor of Love,

    I caught my husband having a sloppy make-out session with our dog. Does this count as him cheating on me?

    Sincerely, Canine Curious

    • Dear Canine, Absolutely not! In fact in this case, I highly recommend you consider a menage a trois! Just be sure to observe proper etiquette when alternating between smooches and butt licking.

  2. LOL!

    Dear Deb Tawna, the Janitor of Love,

    I hear sex burns a lot of calories. So, how often do the hubs and I have to you-know-what to make up for chocolate malted? A hot fudge sundae? A banana split? All three together?

    Hungrily yours, Ice Cream Lover

    • Dear Hungrily, using a highly complex mathematical equation that involved removing both shoes, I have determined that the correct answer is six. Enjoy!

  3. Tawna, maybe you could solve the romantical dilemma of my 3 year old. You see, after a lot of thought about who he will marry (ever since going to a wedding, he’s been obsessed with marriage), and after realizing that he couldn’t marry a.) me, or b.) his dad, he thought long and hard and decided on a brilliant plan: he’d marry his grandma (my mom). He explained that he liked her “lemonade” and “rolls” which made her a good choice for a wife. 🙂 xoxo

  4. I stare at my wife for a long period of time yesterday. When she noticed she asked me what I was doing. I wiped the slobber off my lips with the back of my hand and said, “I think your really, really, really pretty” and continued to stare. She thought it was creepy but all I was trying to do was convey my love and affection.

    Don’t women want their husbands to notice and appreciate them? That’s what I read in both Maxim and Ladies Home Journal.

    Mr. Voyer

  5. Dear Janitor of Love,

    How can I convince my sweetie our relationship would only improve if I had an affair with Ben Affleck?

    Signed,
    Affleck-ted

Comments are closed.