Make Him Wear a Hat and other naughty advice by Deb Eileen

I had my yearly pap exam this week. Although far from one of my favorite activities, I quite like my doctor. I’ve gone to Doctor L. for six or seven years now. She is this tiny energetic woman, under five feet, so it is a bit like being examined by a wayward Keebler elf. This may sound disturbing, but for some reason it is oddly comforting for me.

I am laying on the table making small talk trying to act like my labia isn’t just hanging out when the following conversation takes place.

Doctor L: So are you still married to Bob?

Me: Yep.

Doctor L: And he’s your only sexual partner?

I love this question because it implies that Doctor L thinks I am the kind of woman capable of having wild passionate affairs with men named Sven instead of being a writer who spends way too much time wearing sweatpants, staring off into space and laughing at my own jokes. Granted, I’m pretty sure she has to ask this question as a part of a clinical interview to evaluate my risks, I still like to imagine that she sees me as a wanton woman.

Me: Yep, it might sound boring, but he’s still the only one.

Doctor L: (Patting me on the knee) Don’t worry, if it gets dull make him wear a hat and call him cowboy.

This is my naughty advice for the week- you can still be a nice girl, you just make him wear a hat.

17 Replies to “Make Him Wear a Hat and other naughty advice by Deb Eileen”

  1. My husband was a volunteer firefighter for 20 years – – he still has the hat down in storage.

    Hmmm – – may be time to dust off the hat for the holidays . . . πŸ™‚

    Thanks for the morning laugh!

  2. Ha! Very funny post. At first when I saw the headline and the word “pap exam” I thought you were talking about condoms…I’m picturing a little willie with a hat on…Slow on the uptake πŸ˜‰

  3. Hilarious! My husband still has his white Officer and A Gentleman hat from his days as a Navy officer. I can hear the “LOVE LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG” theme music now…

  4. So funny, Eileen! I think we have a jester hat somewhere, but, um, it’s mine. Hmm. I’m trying to think of other options that we already have in the house…baseball had and bicycle helmet…tuke… we do have some red cowboy boots, but again, they’re mine.

  5. Oh dear – – I just read this post to Dear Hubby, and he reminded me that not only it is a Fireman’s hat, it’s a LEATHER fireman’s hat . . .

    That’s it – – I’m on my way to the storeroom now! πŸ™‚

  6. “. . . a wayward Keebler elf . . .” Oh dear. This has me in fits of giggles for some reason. I am imagining a gynecologist’s office called “The Lollipop Guild.”

    A ha ha, oh ho ho, and a couple of tra la la’s!

    Brilliantly funny, Eileen.

  7. nice!

    once i had a substitute gyno because mine was away on an emergency. he was from spain and very formal. i was laid out on the table and as he approached the southern most exam area, he popped his head over the drape and said, “i’m going to touch you now.”

    i started to giggle and giggled all the way thru the exam. i never saw him again, but he’s with me on every exam.

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