I’m hoping I roped you in enough with Chapter One of CANCER IS A BITCH (Or, I’d Rather Be Having a Midlife Crisis) that you can’t wait to read Chapter Two. Below…
Does Biopsy Mean No Puppy?
Chest down on a padded table, head cocked sideways, right breast hanging through a peekaboo hole, one arm hooked around my matted hair, other arm twisted pinky side out along my side, the nurse positions me from below as the clear plastic compression paddles squish my flesh into place.
“Are you comfortable?” she asks and swabs my breast with betadine.
I’m not sure how to answer that. I’m strapped to a surgical bed by my boob. I’m expected to be still while a long thick needle excavates questionable cells. I’m contorted. I’m scared. But none of that is her fault so I nod, the stiff sheet scratching my cheek, a little bit of drool trickling into my ear.
“First, I’m going to numb you,” she says, cocks the needle into the antiseptic air, dribbling a bubble of fluid out the tip and pierces my skin.
“Numb is good,” I tell both of us.
She scootches up a chair near my head and says, “Aren’t you a writer?”
I nod as Pete, another one of my husband’s radiology partners approaches the table. “Are you ready?”
He isn’t a close friend like Henry, who read my mammogram. But when I first moved to Madison, I was in a book group with his wife and one time we read a “literary erotic” novel called Eat Me and we all drank too much wine and shared too much, something involving sushi and fishnets and marzipan… was that the book or his wife?
“Ready,” I say. The worn pale blue patient gown barely veils my rigid body and I remember that the last time I saw Pete was at the annual Holiday party and I was dancing to “Love Shack” in a tight black dress and stilettos.
“What’s your book about?” the nurse asks, patting my arm as if I’m three and I’m grateful and worried that I’ve engendered such tenderness.
“A woman who finds a lump in her breast,” I say above the whir of the machine, feel pressure but no pain, try not to think about the needle, try to picture my children romping on a beach, a peaceful image I’ve used in yoga class to pull me out of my ruminating head. I see the tide rolling in and in and in and think, Shiva, the Hindu God of regeneration, the mantra that means one thing must die for another to be born…
“Does this make my boobs look too big?” my middle daughter Maddy asked, three shirts and two bras into her evening fashion show the night before. I was lying on her bed, thinking about how distorted the ceiling looked through her satin canopy, all translucent cracks and amorphous shards.
“Try the green shirt with the other bra,” I answered.
Maddy and I often had these boob conversations because she was built like me, small but busty, and she knew that I knew how hard it was to find the right clothes, too fitted and you looked like a sex pot, too baggy and you looked matronly. We had hard figures to dress, hard figures to rationalize.
“I can hear you,” my older, less busty daughter Anna shouted from her room.
“Your breasts look great in everything,” I said to Maddy, the word “breasts” clinging to the back of my throat.
The only time I’d felt entirely comfortable with my breasts was when I was nursing. Otherwise, I’d always had a love/hate relationship with them. The first time Jake Jabowitz felt me up in eighth grade, I thought I loved him, until I found out he told all the other boys I had great tits. But on my daughters, I saw them differently. Perfect sculptures, round and soft and firm and healthy. My stomach flipped.
“That is such a bitch thing for you to say,” Anna said to me as she stormed into the room.
I gasped into my fist. Willing myself not to say anything I would regret. Mike and I had decided we’d tell the girls about the procedure later that night, together, and downplay it, and not tell Alex at all. No need to burden them.
“Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass these things are?” Maddy said. “Mom knows.”
My face grew too hot as I told myself, Be mature and restrained. “That wasn’t meant as a slight to you,” I sat up and said as slowly as possible. “You look great in everything, too. You both do. You’re young and beautiful, you have your whole lives in front of you for chrissakes, what are the hell are you complaining about? And don’t swear at me,” I screamed, tears blurring everything.
“What? What’s wrong with you?” Anna said.
“Nothing. Nothing. Noth…” My throat catching in the middle of the third nothing. “I’m having a b…b…b…” I said, the consonant stuck on my lips.
“A baby?” Anna said.
“A biopsy.” The word coming out too loud, too aggressively, making it sound more ominous than I wanted it to.
“Another one?” Maddy said.
“What does biopsy mean?” Alex poked his head in from the hallway.
Shit, why did he have to hear that? “It means…” I hadn’t meant to have this conversation. How had this happened? And what did it mean? “It means…” He’d go to a friend’s house after school tomorrow and I’d watch Oprah to recover and we’d order in pizza for dinner and if all went well, that would be it, everything back to normal. And if not, my defective breast might be the most memorable legacy I would leave my children.
“Does it mean no puppy?” he asked, so gently, he must known I needed help articulating and I wondered, what kind of mother would allow this, any of this, to happen?
Another whir of the machine reminds me of the table, of me on the table, of life cycles spinning in opposite directions simultaneously. My children’s coming-of-age, my aging. I glance at the needle penetrating my yellowed boob and hope biopsy doesn’t mean I’ll be a burden before they have blossomed.
“Clamp,” the nurse warns as Pete shoots a metal staple into my breast.
I shudder at the noise, the clutch of internal force, the fact that I know it’s marked so the surgeon can find the spot if it’s cancerous. “That’s two,” I say. “I hope I don’t set off any metal detectors.”
“You’re a good sport,” Pete says as he unleashes my body from the paddles.
No, I’m not. Not a good sport, not mature enough to handle this. I want out before the stakes get any higher. I want to turn back the clock. I want to reread Eat Me. I want to dance to “Love Shack” in a too tight dress. I want to call Jake Jabowitz and ask him if he still thinks I have great tits.
“So, what happens to the woman in the novel?” the nurse interrupts my thoughts, wrapping my chest in loose layers of sterile gauze.
“She’s she’s, she’s….” I want to say fine, but I’d left her fate ambiguous, thinking that was the more interesting choice. And now I wonder why I hadn’t worked that out, because I want to know, what happens to the woman, as I tie my frayed blue gown around me, slide off the biopsy table, the paper slippers landing on the cold linoleum with a jarring thud.
20 Replies to “More Cancer Is a Bitch… Chapter 2 by Deb Gail”
Gail, I’ve already read this, but found myself reading again. You’re an incredible writer and I’m so happy you’re well and got to write this book. Bravo and bonne chance my friend.
You know this gets me in the gut. So powerful yet so quiet.
I cried and cried when I read your book. It’s beautiful and strong and funny and wonderful…just like you.
Congratulations, we’re all so proud of you.
Jenny and Lisa, thanks!
Thanks so much for giving us an excerpt from your book today. A really powerful chapter. I can’t wait to read the whole thing–and see you in person in NYC!
Wow. This really hits close to the bone for me. Good luck with your debut, Gail. I hope this is a hit. It deserves it! Looking forward to meeting you in person in SF.
thanks Meredith! So looking forward to seeing you in NYC and Tiffany also, can’t wait to meet you in SF!
So powerful, Gail! Best of luck as things ramp into high gear for your release!
It’s finally YOUR week and I’m so excited for you. Chapter Two only confirms what I knew as soon as I read Chapter One: you are a wonderful writer with a compelling story to tell and this is a fabulous book! I predict your book will be a HUGE success and even more important, I know it will be an important source of comfort and strength to many, many readers who are going through their own struggles.
Katie and Eve, thanks for saying that! Hope to meet both of you sometime also!
Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, or let’s just say ALL the chapters are that good and get even better. 🙂 Congratulations, Gail and travel safe from coast to coast!
Wow, Larramie, thanks for saying that and for your amazing post today! Thank you is not adequate… but thank you!
Oh. Wow. This is marvelous. (Well, not the content, so much, not that it happened to you, but…oh gosh you know what I mean.)
Is there anything so temperamental on this earth as a teen-age daughter?
Can’t wait to see you in NYC soon!
thanks Kris! It’ll be great to see you in New York!! Can’t wait!
Oh, Deb Gail,
I love your writing, hate the subject…my mothers’ eye sees a big future for you, and I am never wrong…ask Eve. I was wondering how all your mother’s (close family) are reacting to your success. To me it almost feels like having another grandchild…I hold the galley, read the galley,carry it around with me (o.k. sometimes I have to stop waiving it in peoples faces), and honestly, I don’t even carry my grandchildren’s photos with me…does that make me a bad person?
There is something for me, that is so profound that my daughter has such a strong voice, and it is being heard. I guess it is a female thing, what do you ladies think?
I will be reading all your postings, and kvelling for all of you.
thank you Eve’s Mom! My own mother is very proud and happy and hands out my postcards everywhere! I also just sent her a t-shirt like the one on the cover! You must be so proud of your daughter. She’s funny and smart and very kind! Thanks for following all of us here at the deb ball!!
Oh, thank you…now I don’t feel so…pushy momish. I just went to my 50th high school reunion and made business size cards that said…read my kids’ books…and named Eve’s…and her brother Josh’s (he writes travel books) and put on the Amazon.com…and other ways to order them…handed them out to 95 old, very old classmates. I feel better now.
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