I’m a smart person. I’ve got not one, but two, university degrees. I watch Nova on public TV and we even have a subscription to Discover magazine (which I read despite the fact they never offer decent fashion advice or recipes). However, the list of normal everyday things I’ve never mastered is long. It includes, but is not limited to:
- Cartwheels: This knowledge gap showed up young. I would run forward, throw my arms up and then hurl myself onto the ground and then my legs (for reasons unclear) would slump over and hang there limply like a before picture in a Viagra ad. This tragic inability to engage in the careless childhood antics of cartwheels meant I was doomed to never be a cheerleader.
- Parallel Parking: Unless there is a space 3-4 car lengths long that I can coast into I am unable to parallel park. I either run the risk of driving up onto the sidewalk (which makes pedestrians really touchy) or I am so far from the curb I practically need to take a cab to get there.
- Finger whistle: I always thought it looked sassy when people would place their fingers in their mouth and give an ear splitting whistle. When I do this all I do is blow spit all over my fingers. Finger spit is not sassy.
- Sheet folding: How is it possible to get the fitted sheet folded into a tidy square? Did everyone else take some kind of linen origami class? My linen closet never looks like the one in advertisements or on home decorating shows. I can fold the top one fine, but the bottom one always looks lumpy like I’m hiding a body in there. For the record I would never hide a body in my linen closet- the garage makes way more sense.
- Map Reading: In order to navigate I must have the map facing the same direction I am driving. Even with this support it is quite possible I will still manage to get lost and if I have to finger whistle for help I’m doomed.
For scientific reasons I decided it was time to attempt another cartwheel. Using the powers of The Secret I visualized myself cartwheeling across the backyard, the wind in my hair, the world turning upside down and the right again. I took a deep breath and began running. Arms up I threw myself into the moment and landed up flat in my back in the yard. The dogs came over and gave me a cautious sniff. Some things are just not meant to be.
What is something simple you can’t do?