Smug Resolutions by Deb Danielle Younge-Ullman

New Year’s resolutions frighten me. They have a habit of getting broken, thus undermining my belief that I can achieve legitimate, important goals and generally leaving me a self-pitying mess.

But this year, I’m going to keep my New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to keep them with ease and sit back with a smile as those around me fall off their various wagons, plunge into self-hatred, depression and all-encompassing bitterness for which the only seeming remedy is to vow again next year and somehow hope to succeed.

From whence comes this smugness, you ask?

Well of course, I have a plan. Check out my resolutions and you’ll see what I mean…

This year I vow NOT to:

– bungee-jump, drive race cars, rock climb, helicopter ski, barefoot water ski, (regular water skiing is fine) surf or jump out of airplanes (with parachutes or otherwise) engage in any sport where I could get seriously hurt by a ball

– take up any other dangerous sports or hobbies not mentioned above (Like the the protagonist in Falling Under, I find more than enough danger in simply waking up in the morning. Though some might feel the need to challenge their fears by taking up some variety of death-defying hobbies, I do not.)

I also vow NOT to:

– give up chocolate, coffee or dessert

– go on any kind of “cleanse” especially the ones that require one to eat hideous combinations of garlic, chili peppers, lemon juice and bitter greens. (I’m also not doing the one with Epsom salt that’s supposed to draw out little blue and green colored “stones” from your kidneys that you then have the joy of seeing floating in the toilet.)

I vow not to eat green peppers or squiggly chicken or any chicken I can’t see (like in a sandwich–I’ll eat it, but only if I’ve been able to inspect it for squiggles first.)

You see what the plan is yet? That’s right: I’m not going to change. It’s all about vows I can’t help keeping.

Oh yeah, one more: I resolve NOT to take my Christmas tree down the day after New Years (Ha! I already achieved that one; see how tricky I am?!)

Happy New Year and may you keep your resolutions!

Deb Danielle

7 Replies to “Smug Resolutions by Deb Danielle Younge-Ullman”

  1. Congratulations, Danielle, for your very sensible plan. I’m going to be ripping it off since all this I can do with ease – right down to NOT eating green peppers (blech – and by the way, when you come over, I resolve to NOT serve you green peppers). But can you please define “Squiggly chicken”? Or maybe not, if it’s really gross. I have already resolved not to be grossed out very much in ’08.

  2. Joanne–if I don’t tell you about the squigglies, you’ll never know they’re there and be just as happy. If I tell you, who knows how your life might change! And thanks for the green pepper solidarity!

    Lisa–lol. Happy to inspire you!

  3. So what’s with the squiggly chicken? And do you really pass blue and green stones on that Epsom cleanse? WTF?!?! That’s CRAZY!!!

    (This was very clever, by the way :))

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