Did I ever tell you guys I used to do stand up comedy? This was a couple of years ago and I was actually aiming to brush up on my Spanish. But when I looked through the continuing education catalog from our community college there were no Spanish classes that fit my schedule. But, it turns out that STand up comedy comes right after SPanish in the course catalog … and well, the rest is history.
I’d like to do some stand up comedy for you right here. But alcohol licensing laws don’t allow me to serve alcohol over the internet. And good comedy requires a two-drink minimum. So you go right now and get yourself a few drinks. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Are you back now? Am I starting to sound funnier already? And I’m cuter, too, right? Good, now just imagine me throwing out quips about the adhesive strips on feminine products (I mean, just where will these things go if they are not permanently adhered to your underpants? Has there been a rash of menstruating women leaving a trail of untethered sanitary pads behind them?)
And then imagine me talking about the question I hate most in the world: Did you have natural childbirth??? (Why, no. I had a synthetic one. Actually, we got little Johny here freeze-dried out of a vending machine and then just added water! Excuse me, but if the kid came out of any orifice in your body that’s natural childbirth as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if they had to yank the screaming little banshee up through your tonsils!)
And then moving on to the dreaded childbirth education class. Because here was a woman who was on some sadistic mission to convince me to endure the most painful of all human conditions without the benefit of anaesthesia! And what I want to know is why isn’t this lady stationed outside of a dentist’s office? Excuse me, are you going in to have root canal, sir? You know it’s really better for you – and all of mankind – if you do it without anaesthesia.
But wait, it gets better because (true story, here) during one of these childbirth education classes, one of the dads was complaining about a headache. And does Ms. Just-Breathe-Through-The Pain childbirth educator tell whiny dad to just breathe through the pain? Hell, no. She hands the guy a bottle of Tylenol! Which was so unfair, because I was pretty certain that no matter how bad his headache got, there would be no little human being coming out of it anytime soon!