I like the idea of gardening. I imagine myself (in a sort of Disney princess style) singing to animated woodland creatures while collecting a bounty of fresh veggies and flowers.
Reality is a bit different. First of all, for those of you who may not know, earth is made of dirt. Dirt which often contains things like worms and those bugs that have been exposed to nuclear radiation because they have a freakish amount of legs and seemingly no head. And the woodland creatures? Not nearly as cute as Disney would have you believe.
Today I went to the garage to pull out the patio furniture. There was a RAT in the garage. A rat. It was not singing. It was not wearing a jaunty cap while helping me to whistle while I work. It was skittering around on the rafters waiting to drop onto my head ninja style and do God knows what. Despite this horror, I pressed on and began to assemble the furniture outside. I came this close (squeeze your thumb and index finger together so they are separated by mere atoms) to sticking my hand into a nest of baby spiders.
Those who know me know how I feel about spiders. Unlike puppies, kittens and human offspring, spider babies are not cute. They looked very hostile to me. One waved its tiny front legs at me in a threatening manner.
I left the furniture and went to another area of the yard and pulled a few weeds. I could tell they were weeds because they appeared to be attached to the earth by more than mere gravity and roots. If these had been valuable plants they would have ripped free of the ground without even needing a strong breeze. I yanked, I pulled, I worked up a proper sweat and finally the weed came free and with it, a worm which fell onto my foot. I gave a squeal and a kick and that worm caught some serious air, landing a few houses down from ours.
This was enough for me and I’ve come inside. I think I am done gardening until next year. Clearly I am the kind of woman destined to live in the city far from any kind of open space.
Do you like to garden?
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