“It’s your ass or your face,” Kathleen Turner once said of turning 35.
I’ve never been a huge Kathleen Turner fan–too much forced breathiness when she acts–but the gal’s got a point. I’ve finally reached the stage where this decision needs to be made. Basically, there’s a five-pound spread (cruel, unintentional pun) and at the lower end, your ass looks great in your favorite jeans, at the higher end, your face looks plump and dewy.
You can’t have it both ways. Nature (beastly woman) forces you to choose. If your jeans slip on nice and easily, if you can squat in them and still speak, if the fabric isn’t straining or cussing; that line between your eyebrows pops.
If your face is smooth, if you’re looking in the mirror thinking you’ve got a little something-something happening one morning, if you’re wondering if it’s all those green leafies you’ve forced down; the button on your jeans pops.
It’s not a permanent decision you need to make. You just have to manage things according to your needs on a given occasion.
Need to have a photo taken? Odds are your ass won’t appear. Face wins.
Going to the beach? A floppy hat covers much of the face. Ass wins.
There is an alternative tactic I like to call The Hover. That’s when you can’t decide, so you settle in at the 2 1/2 pound mark. The upside is, you can pounce in either direction fairly quickly. The downside is, you never get full ass or face satisfaction. You just wallow around in a so-so netherworld.
Then again, there’s always sweatpants.
*Is it me or is this the most shallow post ever?