Your Ass or Your Face by Deb Tish

“It’s your ass or your face,” Kathleen Turner once said of turning 35.

I’ve never been a huge Kathleen Turner fan–too much forced breathiness when she acts–but the gal’s got a point. I’ve finally reached the stage where this decision needs to be made. Basically, there’s a five-pound spread (cruel, unintentional pun) and at the lower end, your ass looks great in your favorite jeans, at the higher end, your face looks plump and dewy.

You can’t have it both ways. Nature (beastly woman) forces you to choose. If your jeans slip on nice and easily, if you can squat in them and still speak, if the fabric isn’t straining or cussing; that line between your eyebrows pops.

If your face is smooth, if you’re looking in the mirror thinking you’ve got a little something-something happening one morning, if you’re wondering if it’s all those green leafies you’ve forced down; the button on your jeans pops.

It’s not a permanent decision you need to make. You just have to manage things according to your needs on a given occasion.

Need to have a photo taken? Odds are your ass won’t appear. Face wins.

Going to the beach? A floppy hat covers much of the face. Ass wins.

There is an alternative tactic I like to call The Hover. That’s when you can’t decide, so you settle in at the 2 1/2 pound mark. The upside is, you can pounce in either direction fairly quickly. The downside is, you never get full ass or face satisfaction. You just wallow around in a so-so netherworld.

Then again, there’s always sweatpants.

*Is it me or is this the most shallow post ever?






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9 Replies to “Your Ass or Your Face by Deb Tish”

  1. Shallow? Or hilarious? Funny is rarely shallow. Funny is necessary. Especially when where talking asses and faces. I think my face is currently winning, but I put a new elliptical together last night, so my ass should be gaining some ground soon.

    And the jeans still fit…

  2. Shallow, when you talking about 5 pounds here or there? To plump up your face on a weekly basis, though, try philosophy’s oxygen peel. It only takes 3 minutes to have your face glowing like a child’s.

  3. Great post, Tish. I’ve learned that this ass/face choice thing takes on new meaning after the age of forty-five–if a woman chooses her ass, she loses too much off her face, and she looks gaunt and saggy. If she chooses her face and lets her ass go, she must needs shop at Abercrombie and Fitch for those balloon shaped sweatpants.

    I laughed out loud at your Hover reference. So that’s what it’s called. I hover in that range most of the time–handy if I need to squeeze into a certain pair of pants for a certain occasion or if the threat of a bikini looms on my horizon. Two and a half pounds are easily wrangled. Then I really get serious about the elliptical trainer and eating apples. Yes, all of this is superficial, but evidently even the smartest most accomplished women are constantly monitoring the size of their ass.

  4. I have to admit, I’m not sure I actually understand the logic of this one. So if we stay thin, our faces look gaunt and old? Does that mean I can eat a piece of chocolate cream pie, or skip the gym, and justify it by saying that I’m “saving” my face??

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