For some reason (my previous posts, perhaps?) everyone wants me to talk about Being Bad. And since I have great neighbors but no real “neighbor stories” I thought I’d approach the Badness topic this week.
But how bad am I, really? Instead of diving into an existential crisis or revealing too many personal details on the internet for all the world to read, I decided to do a Badness Evaluation of myself based on that severest of moral codes, the Seven Deadly Sins.
Here goes—scoring is 1-10, 10 being the highest/worst.
Lust: Oh dear. Probably a 10.
I first lusted after a hapless boy named Gordon in first grade. When my parents refused to let me ask him out to dinner and a movie (have I mentioned I was precocious and a little weird?!) I took measures into my own hands and had two other girls chase him, catch him and hold him by the arms so I could kiss him. It took me years (and many lustful afflictions) to learn a more subtle method of seduction. But I try not to kiss (and capture) and tell.
Gluttony: At least a 9.
Please. Give me cookies. Give me cookies and dip them in icing, even a store-bought can will do. Pile some ice cream on top of that and then I could move on to cheese cake, chocolate cake, fudge. If I begin to sweat from the sugar overdose I might change gears to pizza, chips, dip of all kinds, baked brie wheels, roasted garlic, nachos… And when the salt makes me thirsty pour me some champagne and send me, if possible, to Ancient Rome to do it all again. Guilty, guilty, guilty!
Greed: Maybe a 2 or 3?
I’m not so bad with Greed, though I am greedy about my Gluttony. Don’t ask for my last bite of cake, don’t try to share a bowl of ice cream with me—I may snarl at you and I won’t mean it in a sexy way.
Sloth: I love sloth—give me an 8.
When I was a teenager there were lots of ski vacations. Everyone would be up at the crack of dawn very keen to be the first ones on the hill. I would (if allowed) sleep until ten, mosey up the hill, maybe ski up and down a couple of times, take a leisurely lunch (see Gluttony) attempt to pick up guys (see Lust) and then call it a day. Some people want to be sporty with their free time, I am happiest left on the couch with a book. And some food, of course.
But there’s not so much time for Sloth in my life these days, with a toddler, a dog, a house to run, a book to write, etc. Come to think of it, I’m working my butt off. Hmm. Let’s say I’m a 2 who would LIKE to be an 8.
I rarely, rarely lose my temper and very few people have seen me wrathful. Even fewer have seen me wrathful more than once—probably only one, actually. (Sorry honey!) Mind you, it’s scary when it happens. I hiss and roar and use this horrible Exorcist kind of voice. Oh dear…I probably deserve a 2 just for the voice.
Envy: 3, maybe 4.
Not so bad since I quit acting. But I do Envy people who get away with Gluttony and don’t get fat—clearly they’re not combining enough Sloth with their Gluttony.
This is a hard one to interpret in today’s society. We’re supposed to be proud, aren’t we? But let’s interpret Pride as being full of oneself, unable to take a joke, self-righteous, uptight, judgmental, etc. I’m far too willing to make fun of myself to be guilty of that kind of Pride. But maybe I’m too proud of that. Make it a 3.
So there you have it: Deb Danielle’s Medieval Badness.
What’s your Badness Score?
(Disclaimer!!! If anyone reading this still bases their moral code on these Medieval sins, I apologize for my casual attitude towards them. I’m really just kidding around. Please don’t “go Medieval” on me.)