Big Badness, Medieval Style by Deb Danielle

fallingunder-1.jpgFor some reason (my previous posts, perhaps?) everyone wants me to talk about Being Bad. And since I have great neighbors but no real “neighbor stories” I thought I’d approach the Badness topic this week.

But how bad am I, really? Instead of diving into an existential crisis or revealing too many personal details on the internet for all the world to read, I decided to do a Badness Evaluation of myself based on that severest of moral codes, the Seven Deadly Sins.

Here goes—scoring is 1-10, 10 being the highest/worst.

Lust: Oh dear. Probably a 10.
I first lusted after a hapless boy named Gordon in first grade. When my parents refused to let me ask him out to dinner and a movie (have I mentioned I was precocious and a little weird?!) I took measures into my own hands and had two other girls chase him, catch him and hold him by the arms so I could kiss him. It took me years (and many lustful afflictions) to learn a more subtle method of seduction. But I try not to kiss (and capture) and tell.

Gluttony: At least a 9.
Please. Give me cookies. Give me cookies and dip them in icing, even a store-bought can will do. Pile some ice cream on top of that and then I could move on to cheese cake, chocolate cake, fudge. If I begin to sweat from the sugar overdose I might change gears to pizza, chips, dip of all kinds, baked brie wheels, roasted garlic, nachos… And when the salt makes me thirsty pour me some champagne and send me, if possible, to Ancient Rome to do it all again. Guilty, guilty, guilty!

Greed: Maybe a 2 or 3?
I’m not so bad with Greed, though I am greedy about my Gluttony. Don’t ask for my last bite of cake, don’t try to share a bowl of ice cream with me—I may snarl at you and I won’t mean it in a sexy way.

Sloth: I love sloth—give me an 8.
When I was a teenager there were lots of ski vacations. Everyone would be up at the crack of dawn very keen to be the first ones on the hill. I would (if allowed) sleep until ten, mosey up the hill, maybe ski up and down a couple of times, take a leisurely lunch (see Gluttony) attempt to pick up guys (see Lust) and then call it a day. Some people want to be sporty with their free time, I am happiest left on the couch with a book. And some food, of course.

But there’s not so much time for Sloth in my life these days, with a toddler, a dog, a house to run, a book to write, etc. Come to think of it, I’m working my butt off. Hmm. Let’s say I’m a 2 who would LIKE to be an 8.

Wrath: 1.
I rarely, rarely lose my temper and very few people have seen me wrathful. Even fewer have seen me wrathful more than once—probably only one, actually. (Sorry honey!) Mind you, it’s scary when it happens. I hiss and roar and use this horrible Exorcist kind of voice. Oh dear…I probably deserve a 2 just for the voice.

Envy: 3, maybe 4.
Not so bad since I quit acting. But I do Envy people who get away with Gluttony and don’t get fat—clearly they’re not combining enough Sloth with their Gluttony.

Pride: 2??
This is a hard one to interpret in today’s society. We’re supposed to be proud, aren’t we? But let’s interpret Pride as being full of oneself, unable to take a joke, self-righteous, uptight, judgmental, etc. I’m far too willing to make fun of myself to be guilty of that kind of Pride. But maybe I’m too proud of that. Make it a 3.

So there you have it: Deb Danielle’s Medieval Badness.

What’s your Badness Score?

(Disclaimer!!! If anyone reading this still bases their moral code on these Medieval sins, I apologize for my casual attitude towards them. I’m really just kidding around. Please don’t “go Medieval” on me.)

13 Replies to “Big Badness, Medieval Style by Deb Danielle”

  1. I was also a precocious child, chasing boys around the playground in order to kiss them. I’m pretty sure I also had a cookie in my hand at the same time and then, after the effort, I dozed in class.

    Oh but it’s hard not to let our human-ness take over sometimes, isn’t it? Wrath and greed? Not so much. Pride? Well every writer has a bit of an ego, don’t they? But if you stay grounded (like you do, Danielle) I think you’re okay.

    Excellent post, Danielle!

  2. Thanks Joanne! If only you and I had been at the same school back then! We could have helped each other chase the boys and shared (or not shared) our cookies.
    Have a good day, Ms Stiletto Winner!

  3. How fun! I was also guilty of that playground seduction technique, I fear. Plus, when I was six, I forced my own cousin to kiss me. (Granted, we’re not blood-relatives, but STILL…I can hear the faint jangle of Dueling Banjos anytime I think about it…)

  4. This was great. I am completely with you on the sloth factor. I have Saturday already blocked out. It is my first weekend day off (conference free) in a month. I am going to make a fire, some hot chocolate and then veg on the sofa with a book. Naps may be involved. Later I may chase my husband around the house and force him to kiss me.

  5. Ah, sloth. I think it is my favourite. In fact, I am about to lie to a neighbour about being available tonight (while our husbands are playing poker) because I haven’t had a quiet evening at home (translation: snacks for dinner eaten in front of the tv!) in almost two weeks.

  6. Oh, Danielle, I loved this post. So funny. I can relate on most counts, though I wasn’t quite such a shameless hussy with the boys at THAT age (I waited till I was older), and I can get mighty snippy when stuck in traffic ;-( (or if my dog won’t stop barking while I’m trying to write)

  7. Gail, I’m so happy to hear we share a fondness for the same sins.

    Cindy–I guess if you say this is about right, I’ve done a decent evaluation

    Jess–LOL about your cousin and the Dueling Banjos. Too funny!

    Eileen–your Slothful day sounds perfect and you’ve even left some room for Lust. Excellent!

    Kelly–I like the sound of your Sloth too. Thanks for sharing!

    Jenny–It’s good to be a shameless hussy at any age, I think! Thing is, since my method of seduction was so tactless, I needed a lot of practice to get it to work.

    Maureen–Embrace your Sloth and get better! (I’m not doing so hot with the Nano thing either, BTW)

  8. Thanks Larramie! I think it’s safe to say you will not be dissappointed in the Lust component of Falling Under–but you’ll have to let me know for sure, once you’ve read it.

    Danielle Younge-Ullman

  9. Hilarious post. I would love to embrace my inner sloth, but I’m too freakin’ busy (2 kids, 2 books in the works, 1 book to promote, TV gig, and over-volunteerism compulsion.)

    Sloth is the thing I miss most from being single with no kids: Entire weekends spent with Chunky Monkey, reading and watching HBO in my pajamas

    Aaah, the good ol’ days.


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