I used to dream of the day when I would be one of those wacky old ladies wearing purple and red who didn’t care what other people thought of me. I sort of liked the idea of being weird old lady Cook, talk of the neighborhood. It seemed very freeing. Then it occurred to me, I don’t have to wait until I’m old- I could start now.
This realization came to me while doing some housework. I had the stereo on to distract myself from the fact that I actually find cleaning to be very boring. I was belting out a song complete with appropriate butt wiggles/hip thrusts as called for- when suddenly I had the sense of being watched. I turned around slowly. Standing in the street looking into our giant windows there were a couple of the neighborhood kids on their way to the park. They were watching me with their eyes wide and mouths open. I am not sure they had ever seen a 30 something woman getting her freak on to an 80’s song. They looked frightened and appalled. For an instant I wanted to crawl under the sofa and then it came to me. I just don’t care. I pointed at them and let er rip.
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I- I will survive
The kids ran for it. Behold the power of Weird Old Lady Cook
This will be the beginning of my reputation. I fully plan to take on the following behaviors:
- Randomly yelling out the front window for “you damn kids to get your bikes off my lawn” The actual presence of children on the lawn is not required
- I will invest in assorted lawn ornaments such as pink flamingos, Virgin Mary’s in a bathtub and those weird kissing Dutch kids
- At Halloween I will pass out fuzzy raisins that I bought the year before on clearance
- I will walk my dog in my pajamas with my coat over the top, but not buttoned
- While walking the dog I will engage in full conversations with the dog where I will answer for the dog in a high pitched voice
Any other behaviors you would suggest?