Breasts and Gravity by Deb Eileen

Sometimes in life you discover the meaning of the cliche- be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

Growing up one of my favorite authors was Judy Blume. I didn’t read her books, I consumed them. Anyone who has read her books recalls the scene in “Are you there God? It’s me Margaret”  where the main character in a desperate bid to develop breasts, does chicken wings flap with her arms while chanting “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.” My best friend and I spent a lot of time engaged in this chicken wing exercise (chanting optional- although strongly encouraged.) We desperately did not want to be the last ones to be fitted for a training bra, humiliated by still wearing, oh the horror, undershirts.

And then it happened…I got hooters.

Initially, I saw this development as a very positive thing. Then the downside of breasts became apparent.  What might look like a cute dress on an A cup girl can make a D cup girl look like a cheesy waitress from the Hooters restaurant on her way to a stripper interview. Fitted shirts? Not going to fit. Going bra-less? Don’t even think about it unless you want to be tucking those girls into your belt after 40.

Then there is the issue of gravity. If one is dining or drinking and misses their mouth (hey it happens) the food or beverage product will fall directly onto one’s breasts.  They stick out- blocking the food’s trajectory to the floor. This creates a stain and attention where one least wants it.  I spend a large portion of my life in the ladies room trying to blot something off my shirt with a shredding paper towel.

Thanks a lot Judy Blume. The book should come with a warning. “Excessive bust exercising may have unintended consequences.” I hope she’s happy.

What was one of your favorite books as a teen?

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16 Replies to “Breasts and Gravity by Deb Eileen”

  1. Favorite book was International Velvet – the horse-related storyline sucked me in.

    On the food dropping front, while I am a flat-as-a-pancake’r, I can say that the same phenomena occurs during pregnancy. But unlike your situation, people will feel the need to not only stare at your jelly-gooped belly but also comment on it and touch the jelly-gooped area. And unlike with breasts, you are not socially allowed to smack their hands and/or call them names.

  2. Yeah well, I tried those exercises too and they didn’twork for me at all. Of course, I also slept on my stomach which I worried might be to blame for my lack of cuppage.

    Favorite books? I was a huge fan of the S. E. Hinton books–“The Outsiders” and “That was Then, This is Now”. I also loved the pregnant teenager books–“Mr. and Mrs. Bo Jo Jones” and “Too Bad About the Haines Girl” are titles that stand out.

  3. When I was 14 I tried to imagine my way to a billowy bosom. I’d heard on the radio if you spend ten minutes a day imagine your cup runnething over, you could go up a full size.

    It didn’t work.

  4. Eileen–YOU HAVE D CUPS!

    I loved Judy Blume too. My first EVER book I ever read was Blubber, and I remember the word DAMN was in it and I was so scared my mom would be mad I read a bad word that I confessed to her. Oh, the innocence!

    I just picked up the new Judy Blume anthology.

    I wish I had all my books I collected when I was young. I recall Naomi somebody was a YA writer. Anyone read Upstairs at Seth’s? Who else–I can’t remember but I loved, loved, loved my collection of books and I regret that I got rid of them when we moved. I should have never done that. What I would do to sit in a room with all those books right now, devour them again!

    OK, I’ll stop now.

  5. I loved those Fireside romances. They weren’t as soppy as Sweet Valley High or most of the others. In fact, some of them could probably be published now as regular YA, but that was the market then. One of my favorites was CINDY about a girl whose family moves to a small town in Mexico for a year. And another was one I forget the name of but the girl had to go live with her grandmother and she blew it with the kids right away so she went back to NYC to visit her friend and they cut and dyed her hair, gave her a complete new wardrobe, and sent her back as her “rock star twin sister”. Everyone bought it too! It was very exciting. And of course, I too loved Judy Blume, but my favorite was STARRING SALLY J. FREEDMAN AS HERSELF. I was always a little confused why it was such a big deal for Margaret to choose a religion because I lived in Generica (Portland OR) and we didn’t even know any Jewish people!

  6. I’m with Judy — I was a die hard S.E. Hinton fan and I was also reminded this week about my love for Paul Zindel and The Pigman. Does anybody remember those Mark Eden breast enhancement exercise devices that used to be in the back of all the magazines? I never did save enough to send away for one, but I wanted to!

  7. Was it really Judy Blume who coined that mantra? And, regarding a favorite teenage book, maybe it was THE GREAT GATSBY because I had already read age-appropriate book years before.

  8. I am wondering why YVPF didn’t post a comment here.

    Oh, any Judy Blume all the way!! I wanted the same outfit Margaret wore on the cover art of the book I had. What I wouldn’t have done for a green and white striped t-shirt and purple skirt.

  9. I feel your pain, my well-endowed sister! We actually do a check here after dinner and people get congratulations for being members of the Clean Breast Club.

    Favorite books as a teenager? I adored those Mary Stewart books. Romance. Adventure. Exotic settings. Talk about a wonderful escape from Lincoln, Nebraska!

  10. Geez Melissa, I do have OTHER things in my life (though not as enjoyable) as reading blogs by my Liberal daughter putting down her conservative father that take pride in and loves his daughter very much.
    Favorite Books as a teenager were two – The Silver Chalice by Thomas Costain and Dear and Glorius Physician by Taylor Caldwell. Dear and Glorius Physician was the first hardcover book I ever bought when I was about 14. I fell in loove with Caldwell and started to read everything she wrote and was told by someone that she (Yes a feamle author) wrote an excellent book about every third time. The ones in the middle ranged from bad to worse. Never knew that authors went in spurts. One that didn’t was Frank Slaughter who wrote a lot of historical medical novels that I also enjoyed very much. (Odd that I read so much about doctors and my brother was the one who went into medicine as an anethesiologist and was well known in the Kansas City, MO area. He told me once that he used to put down that he was the Gas Man at Kansas City Research Hospital.)

  11. Oh, count me in the Judy Blume fanclub! I think I had a minor crush on the kid in Then Again, Maybe I Won’t. I was pretty into Stephen King as a teenager, too. I remember my mom buying me books that were set in Wisconsin…Seventeenth Summer in my Easter basket one year, and Bittersweet by LaVyrle Spencer.

    PS: I second Manic Mom’s opening exclamation. Hehehe!

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