Deb Sarah Promises to Try…

Sarah_Bella_03-5Dear Diary,

Here are my resolutions for 2010:

1) Will simply ASK acquaintances to tell me their names once again instead of pretending to remember and spending the rest of the (wedding, reunion, party, etc) paralyzed with fear that someone will come up to us and require an introduction, revealing me to be the cowardly lying fraud that I really am.

2) Will never again passively-aggressively torture my nemesis (Hyper-Competitive Mother) if I spot her meditating in her parked car while waiting for our kids’ school to let out. Will not park my minivan next to hers, walk a hundred yards away, and repeatedly activate the locking mechanism on my keychain, causing my minivan to honk loudly. Feel very guilty for having done this.

3) Will no longer pretend to feel very guilty about torturing Hyper-Competitive Mother. She deserves every stinking moment of it.

4) Will not merely put on exercise clothes in the morning in an effort to “ease into” working out in the hopes that the next step will be driving to the gym and one day actually setting foot inside. Fitness is not like a small squirrely animal that needs to be snuck up upon with a net. Must embrace it whole-heartedly, as one would a long-lost friend whose name one cannot remember.

5) Must stop putting healthy, organic fruits and vegetables into my son’s lunch box in an effort to impress the teachers. He wants Go-gurt and granola bars with chocolate chips. And, frankly, so do I.

6) Must finally come clean to my husband for “accidentally” tripping and gently kicking him in his sore foot. The fact that I’d recently endured natural childbirth and he was incessantly whining about a twisted ankle is no excuse for violence. Though his high-pitched, girly squeal WAS quite satisfying.

7) Must groom self more thoroughly in the morning, instead of putting on sunglasses and pulling up the hood of my sweatshirt, in what my husband calls my “Unibomber” look because it so closely resembles the FBI sketch. Come to think of it, ankle kick also justified.

8) Stop kidding myself and just eat the freaking chocolate. We all know it’s going to happen – why delay the inevitable?

11 Replies to “Deb Sarah Promises to Try…”

  1. Speaking of the inevitability of eating the chocolate . . . . it’s kInd of like the Christmas cookies I just had for breakfast. They WERE calling my name.

    And I love the passive-aggressive actions toward your nemesis. Beautiful!

  2. Yeah, what is it with exercise clothes and the way they just sit there on my body? Aren’t they supposed to [make me] *do* something? 😉

  3. Ha ha! I’m laughing, Deb Sarah! I’m laughing. And I’m totally with you on the forgetting the name thing. I do it all the time. And I swear one of these days I’m going to run into my husband in the food coop or somewhere and be like, “Damn, I know I know you. In fact, I know I’ve seen you naked. But I just can’t for the life of me remember your name!”

  4. Two words: Treadmill Desk.

    I’m telling you, I’ve already walked 1/5 of a mile while answering emails and reading blogs. And I’m in my pajamas!!!

    To hear my husband scream like a girl, I just have to touch his neck with my cold hands!

  5. Laughing with recognition! Re: number one, I had a terrible time at a booksigning in a city where I used to live. People I hadn’t seen in five years came up and talked to me very confidentially like we were old friends, which we were, only….some of their names blended together and here I was, with my book open, expected to sign it to them, yet not wanting to confess….I got around it by prompting, “And how do you spell your name again?”

    As for the exercise clothes, I just read an article in the paper yesterday about how the goal centers in our brains can actually be satisfied just by THINKING ABOUT doing something. So your brain sees your exercise clothes and thinks, “Ah, well then, we intend to exercise, fabulous, where’s the chocolate and Gogurt?”

    The article was in context of having healthy items available on menus actually seems to encourage more unhealthy eating. The goal centers of brains are satisfied just by the very idea of a salad before ordering the chili cheese fries.

    Stupid brains.

  6. I knew it! I can blame everything on my brain!

    Joelle, I’m going to try that trick. I often nestle my cold feet between his warm calves in bed, making him squeal. But secretly I think he loves it, despite the loud protests.

  7. I got a great tip once that I’ll pass along: when you first meet someone, repeat the person’s name out-loud (“Nice to meet you, Deb Sarah!”) while you’re shaking her hand & looking into her eyes. You’re more likely to have success with name recall later on. I’ve tried this and it does seem to work. I’m terrible with names!

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