Google At Your Own Risk – by Deb Kristy

Google. Love it or hate, most of us use it. And what a lot of people use it for is to look up their own name. The ego-Google can be fun, educational, and at times, even slightly disturbing. Especially when you wonder if anyone you know, or anyone you used to know, is Googling you (because everyone in your past must think about you constantly, right? I mean, surely you made some kind of lasting impression…um, right?).

So, for the record, here’s who I am not:

I am not the Kristy Kiernan who is a “Simple girl aspiring towards the fast-paced lifestyle of acting!” No, that Kristy Kiernan lives in California and her major influence is Demi Moore.  I, on the other hand, am a complicated girl who aspires to the stunningly slow-paced lifestyle of publishing (is there actually a publishing lifestyle?) who lives in Florida, and my major influence is Diet Coke (same syllables as Demi Moore, totally different results. Diet Coke animates my otherwise limp and noodle-like arms, allowing me to flop my hands atop the keyboard and occasionally type something coherent, whereas Demi Moore just makes me wonder what I’d look like bald and screaming obscenities into the raw, sweaty face of my drill instructor.)

I am not the Kristy Kiernan who would like you to call her if you want your holiday cards from Galison/Mudpuppy personalized, however, I might like to be, because she has: “…offices in Midtown Manhattan…” with “…a great view of the Chrysler Building and a very personable collection of freshwater tropical fish.” and I’m rather jealous. Of her view and her fish. Bet she doesn’t have to vacuum up after those fish. But I guess I don’t really want to be her, because then people would call me, and I would have to confront my fear of talking on the phone to people who want me to personalize things.

I am also not the Kristy Kiernan who lives in Fairhope, Alabama, a “utopic community grounded in the same values of its high-minded founders that started the Fairhope Single Tax Colony in the 1890’s…” and who is pretty dead-set against Wal-Mart building there, and says “There are a million Wal-Marts, but we have only one Fairhope.” She’s a protester is what she is, by gum. I’ve always wanted to be a protester (and find a way to use “by gum” in a sentence) and admire those who are. Wal-Mart is already in my town, a couple of them actually, but then nobody ever called Naples a “utopic community” (at least in my presence, I’ll let you know if that changes) so I guess we’re okay to have them. I just hope they carry CATCHING GENIUS.

I am not the Kristy Kiernan who is a member of the Mt. Blue “Cougars” Girls Basketball Team, along with Rachel, Kim, Kiley, and Heather. I couldn’t possibly be, because for one thing, they sound young, and for another, I can’t manage to walk around my own home without bumping into walls, so I’m quite sure I’d have a hard time doing anything that requires enough coordination to throw a big ball into a small hoop whilst fending off aggressive girls in big shorts. But I like her teammates’ names.

And finally, I am not the Kristy Kiernan from Mobile, Alabama, who came in 119th place in the Crime Prevention 5k with a time of 26:20 and a pace of 8:28. Go, Kristy! But now I wonder, could this be the same Kristy Kiernan from Utopia (a.k.a. Fairhope)? I mean, it sounds like something that Kristy might do, doesn’t it? If you have enough energy and drive to get all organized and carry signs and get petitions signed, then you likely have enough energy to run a 5k for Crime Prevention. She probably doesn’t even need Diet Coke to do it.

So, now you know who I’m not. But do you know who I AM? And can you really tell from Google? Do I really know anything about these other Kristy Kiernans? I think I do, I’ve formed opinions, I’ve created little lives from what I’ve read about them. But if I met them, got to know them, how close would I be? Most of us don’t even know our own family members as well as we think we do, which is a shame (sort of). Want to know more about your loved ones, or just the people you happen to share a name with? Do what I do: Google them.

But be prepared, you might find out that people from your past likely believe you’ve become an Australian porn star…and SHE’S ACTUALLY MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU.

P.S. I know this is late, and I also know it is off-topic. But I already did a supernatural post, and, since I already did a post, I sort of, um, forgot I needed to do another one. There you have it folks, GENIUS in action…

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9 thoughts on “Google At Your Own Risk – by Deb Kristy

  1. What a great idea for a post! I’m not most of the Maureen McGowan’s who come up on google either… Including two other writers. One who does Xena Princess Warrior fan-lit and one who writes I don’t know what, but posts reviews on Amazon using my name!

  2. So many Kristys, so little time! Awesome post, lol.

    Sadly, when I google my name I’m the only one who comes up. Which means one of two things–anyone else saddled with this K-car of a briefcase moniker wised up and changed it to something hotter, like Kristy Kiernan, OR being named Tish Cohen imbibes people with such sheepishness and hermit-like conduct that the Google searchlight passes right through them. Either way, I don’t come out cool.

  3. I call all the Googling I do “research.” As writers we can get away with that, right? I mean, it looks more productive than staring off into space.

    And for the record, I am not the Jennifer McMahon who reads audio books.
    (Too bad, huh?)

  4. This Googling post had me giggling until I remembered an article — read somewhere yesterday — that soon Google will be able to tell anyone where you are and when! Sounds supernatural to me, Kristy. ;o)

  5. Hilarious post, Kristy. And I hope I’m not disappointing any of you when I confess that I’m not the German singer Anna David, whose big hit seems to be something called “Fuck Dig.” (Does that count as swearing? I figure it could mean something else in German.)

  6. Now here’s a thought to tie-in with the supernatural theme: how do you know that you’re NOT those other Kristy Kiernans, just operating on another time-space dimension? I mean, do you REALLY know that you’re not a porn star in Australia? I mean, REALLY? Maybe it’s like SLIDING DOORS — you’re actually existing on several planes at once! (OK, I’m obviously trying to make up for not having to post on the topic this week!)

  7. Kristy, I never knew there was another Megan Markowski in a 25 mile radius from me until I googled myself for the first time. Unfortunately, most of the things that came up were me (a price you pay when you play college athletics)… my dating life will never be the same thanks to google.

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