Hello folks! Is this thing on????

Check, check… one, two. Hi, I’m Deb Maria. Um…can I get an engineer in here? My mic’s not working. Damn these temperamental machines. (short pause) Oh…what’s that? I’m not on the air? I’m supposed to be writing a blog? Wow, this is quite embarrassing. My apologies. (Muttering to myself.) I wish SOMEONE would tell me these things. Hmm…maybe I need an assistant…but they’d probably think I’m really annoying, and it would be nothing like the friendship between Carrie Bradshaw and Louise in the “Sex and the City Movie,” and I don’t have a gorgeous designer wedding dress I’ll never wear, and no one really walks around with tacky “love” key-chains to bring romance to their lives. So, I guess I’m on my own. Scratch the assistant…let’s move on. Ahem.

Well, now you know. I can be completely absent-minded at times, I’m obsessed with sappy chick-flicks, and I suffer from severe “mommy brain,” even though the phenomenon usually happens during pregnancy, and my son is now six. Since I’m officially writing my first blog, let me just tell you that I feel extremely intimidated by the other four women whose lovely pictures you see at the top of this page (I especially like Joelle’s, ’cause it’s all “artsy” and black and white). Anyway, the reason I feel like a blond at a Mensa convention is because unlike all of my fellow Debs, I never dreamed of becoming a writer or a published author, at least not consciously. I knew I did well in English–God knows I couldn’t do geometry–but I never wrote “letters to the editor” when I was in diapers, I didn’t pen my first novel in my teens, and for a long time, I refused to even read too much because it made my mother too happy…and, who wants that?

Honestly, I wanted to be a vet. What can I say? I can’t get enough of warm furry creatures (sorry reptiles, you just give me the willies), and, I really thought my calling was to heal the animal world, open a small clinic in some rural town and become a female Dr. Doolittle. My “vet dreams” were later shattered when I passed out watching a cow give birth on my uncle’s farm. Hey, how did I know I couldn’t stand the mere sight of blood and the stench of manure-laced hay? Sadly, I gave up on being Dr. Do-very-little and set my sights on becoming the next Barbara Walters–just a bit more tan with a spicy Latin temper. I worshipped Barbara, emulated her in every way (even tried to adopt my own infant daughter when I was in college, but was turned down due to the lack of gainful employment). Alas, I failed to have Barbara’s high cheekbones, and I was forever banished to the world of FM radio. Little did I know radio would be my salvation (sounds of angels singing). The second I cracked open my first live microphone, I knew I had finally found my place in the universe. I slowly discovered who I really was, growing along with my listeners who pushed me to be incredibly creative, outrageously silly, and brutally honest–which turns out is my special gift. I opened-up about my tumultuous marriage, my wacky Latino family, and my Uncle Larry’s cat who he swears was gay. I held nothing back. My life on the air was an open book, and one day I actually said “I think I’m going to write a book about how annoying men can be, and how we should be allowed to strangle them at will when they behave like idiots!”

Years later, I found myself in the basement of our Long Island home actually penning what would become “101 Ways to Torture Your Husband.” Frankly, the end result looked more like Ted Kaczynski’s “manifesto,” and when I was done, it was so juicy I wanted to share it with every woman I know. Married, dating, engaged, internet-involved…it didn’t matter. Anyone who was forced to deal with a MAN needed to get a hold of my book and discover ways to alleviate the stress. That’s what men cause 99.9 percent of the time. Trust me, I couldn’t have written a book without having my dear spouse, but men are mostly put into our lives to remind us about Eve’s bone-headed move in paradise. Men never let us forget that, but 101 Ways to Torture Your Husband is basically payback in book form. I mean “WE” didn’t force Eve to listen to that stupid snake and scarf down the apple! Why should we suffer with no retaliation? 101 Ways to Torture Your Husband evens the score once and for all. It’s basically a handy “manual,” explaining (in detail) stuff you can do to drive your man bonkers in a most insidious way. Torture doesn’t have to be ugly. It can be fun and entertaining.

So, that, my good friends, is what brought me to your doorstep today (by the way, you have a UPS delivery out here). And remember, when you read my blog keep in mind that I am no life-long author…just a girl who dreamed of becoming a vet, married a man, aired her dirty laundry to the masses, and decided to write a book about torturing husbands. Stick around…we’ll have some good laughs.

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Maria Garcia-Kalb

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16 thoughts on “Hello folks! Is this thing on????

  1. Welcome Maria! I think you hit it out of the park with your first blog–so no need to be intimidated. Your book sounds hilarious, and I just love the 50’s looking graphics.

  2. That has to be one of my favorite book covers ever! Love the ironic-housewife and the nutcracker!

    You were cracking me up at Dr. Do-very-Little! Welcome, Maria!

  3. Congratulations, Maria. I’m so excited for you. Love your first blog…my favorite line…”Alas, I failed to have Barbara’s high cheekbones, and I was forever banished to the world of FM radio.” You funny lady!!!

  4. Hey, Maria! If Eve says you’ll liven up the place, you’re as good as vouched for… she was our “dancing on tables” Deb (at her own wedding, no less).

    Can’t wait to see what your energy and enthusiasm bring us this year.

  5. Hiya Maria,
    Hmmm…not sure about torturing my husband since he’s the one who took that “artsy” photo of me. Not a good idea to annoy the photographer, you think? Especially when he works for me for free!

    Your book sounds very funny. Can’t wait to read it.

  6. Count me in for the group that loves your cover. Super eye catching. Welcome to the Ball- it’s needed a blood phobic, Barbara loving, Latina!

  7. You don’t need a mic, Maria, your humor, high energy and fun-loving personality project loud and clear. Even a certain Housewife of New York has noticed, hasn’t she? 😉

  8. Your book sounds absolutely hilarious…and possibly essential! The Debs in my year had many an offline conversation about husbands and I can’t wait to read your 101 ways. Hopefully you’ll give us some hints and pointers throughout the year? Just for our readers here, I nicknamed my husband “The Oppressor” for the year and wrote letters to him from my books, our car, my purse, etc. It was quite a lot of fun and kind of friendly torture for him. (He has a good sense of humor thank goodness.)

  9. Hello All,

    I wanted to say it touched my heart to hear from each and everyone of you!

    Jen,Patty, Kritina, Alicia, and Tiffany: Your re-assurance is greatly appreciated! Its tough to be around such great talent and not be a bit gun-shy. Thanks for your kind words.

    Meredith and Eileen: I’m so happy you love the cover.. I must admit I always thought it would be a bit edgier, and I wasn’t crazy about it at first. BUT its definitely grown on me now, and I love it too!!

    EVE!!!!! Your book ROCKS, and I hope to be as succesfull as you!

    Laramie: What would we do without you?? You are a special lady, and by you were right about a “certain NYC Housewife.” Jill Zarin has become a personal friend, and is wonderfully supportive. =)

    Danielle: I hope things are ok with “The Oppressor!” LOL That’s a GREAT name for a hubbby, and it sounds like you may have your own book to write! HA!

    Katie, thanks for the info on Eve… I’m thinkin BLACKMAIL! hahaha

    Joelle: Ok, Ok, I GUESS you have to be nice to your man for the awesome picture. But keep my book in mind if he ever gets out of hand! LOL

  10. A radio show! How neat! You’ll have lots of funny stories for us about on-air gaffes and funny guests and stuff, right? Looks like Thursday are always going to make me laugh 🙂

  11. Maria, I will cop to being intimidated by every one of the Founding Debs…and every new Deb since. But then you admit it and they snort, and you realize it’s all going to be good. The book looks fab, and I’ll be eagerly looking for some good old-fashioned husband torturing.

  12. Maria,
    I’m just back from two days of roller coasters and non-stop sugar with my kids at Hershey Park — oh, did I need this funny, fresh post! I love your style and can’t wait to get to know you better. xo

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