I need a tissue

coast-head-shotAbout ten years ago I made a resolution to never make a New Year’s resolution again.  I figured I had tortured myself long enough, and I was done with this ridiculous tradition.  I mean who the heck came up with this stressful over-achieving exercise?  I’ll tell you who….a masochist. 

Every year I would beat myself up for being too fat, spending too much money, and wasting too much time actually enjoying my life.  I would make long lists of the things I wanted to change, and even how much time I would give myself to achieve these life-altering goals. As it happens with all drama-induced transformations, it would take a mere couple of weeks to fall back into my old patterns, have a massive panic attack, and curl into a crumpled lump of disappointment.  new year's first 1

Since I made my “no resolution” resolution, I have never been happier.  I laugh in the face of cruel and unusual changes.  I refuse to follow the pack.  I adore being out in the cold, alone and resolution-less (if that’s even a word).   Join me, my comrades in the mighty war against needless change!  So what if I gained 65 pounds in the past two weeks?  Maybe I do procrastinate.  Who cares if I can’t pay that stack of bills sitting in my office?  LEAVE ME ALONE!   CHANGE IS YUCKY AND I DON’T WANNA HAVE ANOTHER BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

Wow.  Did I just yell at you?  Gosh, I’m sorry.  How embarrassing.  I completely lost my composure.  Sniff.  Can I get a tissue please?   PPPPpppppffhhhhhhhsssscccchhhhh..  Thanks, I needed to blow my nose.  Ok….(big breath)  I confess there’s another reason behind my outburst.  It’s not just that I hate New Year’s resolutions, it’s just that my birthday is this Saturday, and I’m turning th… thirrrrr…  thirrrrteeee…  UGH.  I’m turning 38 and I can’t stand it!  Most people look forward to ringing in another 365 days, but not me.  There’s always the music and fanfare, romantic midnight kisses, then BAM – I get OLDER.  Having a January 2nd birthday is the absolute worst (yeah, you’ve been lured into a pity-party..welcome, here’s your hat.)  news year's 2nd

I know, I know, “age is not important,” I don’t look “a day over 30,”  and “you’re only as old as you think you are”  bla bla– I feel very blah.  I especially hate being called “M’am” instead of “Ms” at the grocery store the other day (dumb kid.)  I’m officially done having birthdays.  This is it.  Sayonara!  So party all you want tonight.  Wear those flashy glow-in-the-dark 2010 glasses, gulp down copious amounts of champagne, and toast to my NEW New Year’s resolution.  No more birthdays.  Cheers!!!    Where’s my drink?

8 Replies to “I need a tissue”

  1. Will you kick me if I wish you Happy Birthday? I turned 35 this year and although I talked a good game about enjoying myself (and I did, mostly…I mean, my husband bought me a birthday cheesecake!) I’ll admit since then I’ve been squinting extra hard in the mirror at my new lines (causing, I know, even more lines by squinting.) No gray hair yet, I’m happy to report. And really, most of the physical ravages have more to do with having two kids than my actual calendar age.

    But you know? The 365 days are going to roll by whether you observe your birthday or not. So why not party? Life needs more parties. That’s what I always say.

  2. Oh shut up all you BABIES!!!! Forgive my little outburst here but I’ve got nearly ten years on you so you’ll have to forgive me (“M’am!). Listen, getting older sure beats the hell out of the alternative. And trust me when I tell you, you are gonna LOVE your forties (and honestly, I’m kinda looking forward to my fifties).

    And for all the new Debs – the year ahead is going to be the most amazing, thrilling, depressing, agonizing, wonderful, roller-coaster joy ride yet! So put on your party hats, buckle up babies and enjoy it!

    Here’s to 2010 for all of us!

    And yes, Happy Birthday Maria!

  3. I may be the only person who didn’t freak out when turning 40. I figure, heck I still look good, I don’t need to wear sensible shoes yet, I care less what other people think than I did in my 20’s and I no longer have milk crate furniture. Life is pretty good. : )

    Have a great birthday!

  4. Eve, you crack me up! And yes, I’ve been “ma’am”-ed by the whippersnappers bagging my groceries. Worse, I had a bad cold one day and could barely talk, and so did the grocery bagger. Both of our voices were really hoarse. I kept talking to him about vitamin C and green tea to help his throat, and finally he whispered to me, “Concert last night.” Oh, God… talk about feeling old!

  5. Maria, remember the adage, “Life begins at 40.” Now there’s something to look forward to!

    And Cheers to you, Emily, Sarah, Alicia and Joelle for an exciting and successful Debut Year!!!

  6. The “ma’am” thing is depressing. As is realizing that I probably will never be carded, ever again. But I’m looking forward to the wisdom and self-assurance that comes with age. Right??! Happy New Year & Happy Birthday!

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