Motherhood is possibly one of the world’s most frustrating endeavors. There’s no instruction manual. There’s conflicting advice and theories about everything from discipline to diet, and while you’re never sure you’re doing the right thing, the dread of screwing up your kids looms like the monsters they’re terrified of.
Well, fret not. Take the Motherhood Bathtub Quiz. Pour a glass of large red, wine, throw the kids at your significant other, lock the bathroom door, and take your pulse. At least you’ll have these answers.
A day spent at home in your pajamas, eating pizza out of the box and ice cream is:
b) almost as good as the Four Seasons
c) the natural order of the universe
Your children’s artwork is:
a) categorized, alphabetized, and filed in labelled, regularly updated portfolios
b) displayed in layers on the refrigerator
c) scribbled on your walls in permanent marker
When you begin counting down from ten, your kids:
a) immediately do what you’ve just asked them to do, smiling
b) wait till you hit 2, then scurry like guilty rats
c) count with you
The interior of your refrigerator looks like:
a) Martha Stewart’s
b) people really live in your house
The goldfish has died. Do you:
a) Prepare a casket out of a half a butter box lined with one of your husband’s ironed handkerchiefs and conduct a small religious service in the garden with your children
b) Dispose of the evidence before the kids come home
c) Not notice for a few days, until the cat eats it
For soccer practice your child wears:
a) a silken jersey emblazoned with your little player’s favorite, European team, name-brand shorts, and freshly polished cleats
b) his brother’s old uniform and shoes
c) whatever he pulled out of the laundry basket
To you, motherhood is:
a) a sacred blessing and holy duty
b) something you’re still trying to get your head around (right after you get your body back)
c) not much harder than driving stick shift
If you answered mostly A, you are doing a perfect job. Congratulations. The rest of us secretly hate you.
If you answered mostly B, welcome to the majority. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have any answers.
If you answered mostly C, you are either overwhelmed, overloaded, or you have achieved a level of zen that most of us envy, but can’t quite bring ourselves to enter. We secretly hate you.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms out there! Enjoy your kids, give them hugs, and, of course, read to them every day! Everything else is negotiable.