When you think of the things women (and many men) do to maintain beauty, it’s fairly easy to get grossed out. Slathering mud on our faces, smearing Vaseline on our teeth, painful strategic hair removal, bleaching mustaches, waxing brows, picking, taping, dying, scribbling on our lips, brows, and eyelids with food grade crayons…I heard last weekend that people have been using Preparation H to diminish dark circles and bags beneath their eyes. On Wednesday, Lisa mentioned a woman who applied spermicide to her face. And now I shall confess some of the sordid, off-putting science experiments I have tried in my personal quest for a smooth, dewy complexion, bouncy, lustrous hair, and that Cover Girl smile:
Not-so-bad: I have dabbed dissolved Knox gelatin beneath my eyes to eliminate dark circles. I can’t recall where I read about this, but the Vitamin K in the gelatin is supposed to fight dark coloration. BAD: When the gelatin dried, it pulled my eyelids down until I was quite uncomfortable and teary and looked like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, in the ‘violence aversion therapy’ scene.
Not-so-bad: I have made my own face mask of eggs, oatmeal, honey, and milk. BAD: I fed it to the cats after I scraped it off my cheeks and forehead. (I know, I know–I can hear the “Eeewwwws!” from here…but hey, waste not, want not!)
Not-so-bad: I have applied straight Vitamin E beneath my eyes. BAD: It was incredibly sticky, made me look like I was crying, and stained my pillowcases.
Not-so-bad: I once dyed my hair a spunky deep red. BAD: It actually came out purple, and the bartenders I worked with subjected me to more Purple People Eater-related jokes than any human being should ever have to abide.
Not-so-bad: I never fail to use sunscreen before spending lots of time in the sun. BAD: In 8th grade, I once strategically applied sunscreen only on the more wrinkle-prone areas of my face (my laugh line zones in particular) and ended up with white parentheses around a sunburned mouth.
Not-so-bad: I have a very high forehead, which was considered such an attractive feature in Elizabethan times that people actually shaved their hairlines up. BAD: I have a very high forehead and I’m not living in Elizabethan times, so in grade school I sat in class with my eyebrows perpetually raised so it would look smaller.* (It also helped me look very interested in whatever was being discussed.) Guess who’s got a nice little ladder of lines on her forehead now?
Not-so-bad: Due to an unfortunate poodle perm (also in 8th grade—a very bad year for beauty with me), I cut my own hair for years. BAD: I cut my own hair for years.
Now, in all seriousness, in keeping with the true intention of this week’s topic, I’m going to tell you about a product that has revolutionized my nightly beauty routine. And that is DHC’s Deep Cleansing Oil. I’m fickle about moisturizers, because I veer back and forth between “natural but of dubious outcome” and “man the chemical torpedoes and SINK those wrinkles!” But DHC Deep Cleansing Oil? You keep me coming back for more.
If you’re feeling brave, I’d love to hear the quirky, embarrassing, or just plain bizarre things you’ve done for beauty.
*I should add that I did this with the teacher who actually laughed out loud, right in front of me, at my class pictures when they returned from the photographer. That kind of makes it worse, right?
Have a beautiful weekend, everyone!