I used to dream of the day when I would be one of those wacky old ladies wearing purple and red who didn’t care what other people thought of me. I sort of liked the idea of being weird old lady Cook, talk of the neighborhood. It seemed very freeing. Then it occurred to me, I don’t have to wait until I’m old- I could start now.
This realization came to me while doing some housework. I had the stereo on to distract myself from the fact that I actually find cleaning to be very boring. I was belting out a song complete with appropriate butt wiggles/hip thrusts as called for- when suddenly I had the sense of being watched. I turned around slowly. Standing in the street looking into our giant windows there were a couple of the neighborhood kids on their way to the park. They were watching me with their eyes wide and mouths open. I am not sure they had ever seen a 30 something woman getting her freak on to an 80’s song. They looked frightened and appalled. For an instant I wanted to crawl under the sofa and then it came to me. I just don’t care. I pointed at them and let er rip.
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I- I will survive
The kids ran for it. Behold the power of Weird Old Lady Cook
This will be the beginning of my reputation. I fully plan to take on the following behaviors:
- Randomly yelling out the front window for “you damn kids to get your bikes off my lawn” The actual presence of children on the lawn is not required
- I will invest in assorted lawn ornaments such as pink flamingos, Virgin Mary’s in a bathtub and those weird kissing Dutch kids
- At Halloween I will pass out fuzzy raisins that I bought the year before on clearance
- I will walk my dog in my pajamas with my coat over the top, but not buttoned
- While walking the dog I will engage in full conversations with the dog where I will answer for the dog in a high pitched voice
Any other behaviors you would suggest?
I did not realize having full blown conversations with my dog while strolling about the neighborhood was considered weird. I feel oddly self-conscious now. Perhaps I should sing and shimmy instead?
Sorry, you tripped me up with the line about doing housework. You do housework? Don’t you know that as a writer you get a complete get-out-of-jail-free card for housework? Or at least that’s what I thought, but now that I look around and realize that now no one’s doing it, um…
I think you’ll make a marvelous neighborhood crack pot 😉
Very funny, Eileen! I think you’re well on your way… how about getting your freak on in the car at a stop light? (Sometimes I forget people can actually see into my car.)
Hey, I ALREADY walk my dog in my jammies!
Here are a few more lawn ornaments to consider: that ‘fishing kid’ sitting on the tiny bridge…the plywood panels cut & painted to look like the butts of bent-over ‘big’ ladies…
Honest people, I don’t know where she gets these ideas about Old Lady Cook. Her mother, who I recently celebrated being happily married to for 41 years, is an extremely attactive Fox that enjoys a good movie, good book, good meal, and a good glass of wine. Yelling at kids would be beyond her, the lawn ornaments would be regarded as extremely tacky, at Hollowean although not extremely generous, believes one “Snickers” is fine (I do wonder when my wife was 8 or 9 if it would still be considered fine)would never consider passing out last years fuzzy raisins. I can’t speak for the comments about walking the dog in her housecoat as we had a fenced in yard and the dog just ran free. Eileen has gotten this way since she left home and went to that liberal bastion of academic thought, Michigan State. Far be it from me to join that change to it but I do have to wonder.
Eileen, we must be soul sisters – great post!
Might I also suggest:
Not going to the block party (ordering pizza instead, which is what my husband does, as stated on an earlier post)
Not giving out Halloween goodies at all
Making sure you’re the only house that doesn’t decorate at Christmas (my excuse for this on is legitimate, though)
Leave your garbage cans/recycle bins out all week and let them roll around on the road.
Make sure you rotate the lawn ornaments frequently into ‘scenes’.
Of course, this is just a start.
Oh, thanks for the laugh, Eileen! I can just picture those kids.
You might also consider hiding behind a tree, or perhaps a bush, and jumping out with a whoop or howl, just as kids walk by–accompanying 80’s music optional but recommended. Or, as you suggest, even when they’re not walking by! That will speed your wacko reputation exponentially.
Danielle Younge-Ullman
throw rocks at the neighborhood cats…water your house….put a “scram” welcome mat out…sit on a lawn chair on the lawn with a bull horn yelling at passerbys…
that’s enough for now (by the way, the neighbors caught me singing “let’s get it on”…oh the humanity…)
I always told my husband and friends that I wanted to grow up to be the meanest old lady in the neighborhood – – and now, a year ago, we bought a house in the country (so there is no ‘neighborhood’ . . . *sigh*)
BUT, if I DID live in a neighborhood, I would be the old lady to torment the kids playing baseball at the neighbor’s yard . . . if the ball flew into my yard, I would run out the door, grab the ball, run back in the house and lock the door! (Little brats would play heck getting back from me, too – – I would have a whole collection of them!)
I would also probably be the little old lady who put up those Reindeer lawn ornaments at Christmas, and arrange them in ‘compromising’ positions . . . I’m just sayin’ is all. 🙂
My husband has been a OCIT for a while now…he’s getting there. OCIT stands for Old Codger In Training. His only regret is that we don’t have a sixteen year old daughter so he can sit on the porch in a rocking chair and his overalls with a shotgun and “meet” her date.
Ooh, I suggest going out to water your grass and wetting any kid that walks by.
I think I’m going to adopt this one. “Randomly yelling out the front window for “you damn kids to get your bikes off my lawn” The actual presence of children on the lawn is not required.”
I know; I have the same instinct, but this is something they will have to work out themselves. I guess being young, they don’t fully appreciate the importance of family relationships, and still let these silly little arguments get in the way. Shame, but I really can’t get between them in this. Hope like heck they fix it before the holidays.
Have a beautiful and bountiful Thanksgiving with all of your family.
Thanks a lot, Eileen. You just turned me into someone people gawk at appalled by making me snort at Starbucks.
Hilarious.
PS. I have one of those stiff leashes with nothing on it. You could walk and talk to an imaginary dog if you like!
Wow. Great grammar in my post. I think that second sentence required some editing, or at least a comma somewhere… Ooops.
Oh, Eileen, you WILL survive and conquer…old age!
You could sit on other people’s front porches.
When I was growing up, we had a weird neighbor lady who did that — you never knew when you’d drive home to find her sitting on your steps. I think her name was “Crazy Carl’s Crazy Mom”
Hilarious post, as always.
Lisa