Last night I had an idea for a new cable television show.
It would be sort of like SuperNanny, except instead of convincing delinquent, tamper-prone four-year-olds not to flush Sparkles, the family hamster, down the toilet; quick-thinking publicists would jet off across the country to help authors faced with dire publishing emergencies.
Or maybe they’d travel in a nitro-powered bookmobile.
The show would be called BOOK TOUR 9-1-1.
Armed with only tic-tacs, a mega-powered Blackberry, and a case of duct-tape, SuperPubbies would step in to save the tour and bravely help authors in need.
When the microphone accidentally drops off your shirt during a live television broadcast, your SP would dive across the concrete floor like she was stealing home in the World Series — sliding under the camera line to retrieve your microphone before it became necessary to shout your interview answers into the microphone stuffed in the host’s bra, so that you could still be heard by all in TV Land.
The SP would psychically know if the bookstore where you’re scheduled to do a stock signing was demolished three weeks ago, and instantly re-direct you to a building that is still standing.
The SP would be infinitely more helpful if you happened to be late for the airport and the only route your high-priced navigation system could come up with was over the bridge that collapsed last winter.
The SP could casually stick a blueberry café muffin into the mouth of an enthusiastic heckler before he has a chance to tell you and the three kind people who came to see you about his idea for a novel. Again.
And of course, the SP could build a raft out of Sharpies if you’re ever caught in a flash flood.
SuperPubbies, where are you?
And of course, your SP could create a hard connection out of drinking straws if your hotel’s useless wireless internet connection kept kicking you off every 45 seconds, making it nearly impossible to post to a blog…
Hope you’re all well — I miss you guys!
Lisa
Poor Lisa. I think you need to be home in your jammies on your porch relaxing with a glass of wine! This mega-touring thing is grinding, isn’t it?! Here’s hoping you get home soon for some R&R 😉
Lisa, your book tour is exhausting to read about, let alone do. My hopes: Travel safe, sell books and find that BP ASAP! 😉
Lisa,
We miss you too! And I love the idea for the show.
D.
Oh, and you’re a Superhero yourself, for managing to post almost every week while you’ve been away. Amazing.
I’d watch it. It sounds better then 95% of the crap that is currently programmed.
Where do I sign up? I could SOO do those things. Especially cram a muffin in someone’s mouth.
Oh my gosh, there is such a need for this person!!!! You are on to something here.
(Hang in there and keep smiling…we miss you and hope you’re having fun despite the glitches and hecklers!!!)
Kalynne,
You’re hired 🙂
Larramie,
Thanks so much!! I’ll keep your good wishes in my thoughts 🙂
Debs–
I miss you all!! Thanks so much for your kind thoughts 🙂 And lest you start lighting candles for me and thinking the tour has been one big disaster after another, I’d like to offer a few FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SHAME tour highlights:
*Met some cutie male underwear models in a green room in Denver.
*Had my hair touseled by Oprah’s makeover guy, Christopher Hopkins, in Minneapolis
*Saw grown women dressed like Marilyn Monroe and Carmen Miranda in Pittsburgh
*Had dinner at a fabulous restaurant in Atlanta owned by the Indigo Girls with Michael Alvear, star of HBO’s sex inspectors and Lisa Earle McLeod, friend and famous newspaper columnist
*Met celebrity divorce attorney John Mayoue, who was a real-life inspiration for my character “HOLT” in FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SHAME
*Met the charming Deb Eileen and the charming Deb Jenny in person (yay!)
*Pretended to be Audrey Hepburn in BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’s outside the Tiffany store on 5th Ave. in NYC
*And a big ‘ol launch party with friends and family in fabulous Sarasota, FL at my favorite FL bookstore — Sarasota News & Books, this Saturday at 7.
All in all, not a bad run so far. 🙂
XO,
Lisa
We miss you and LOVE the show idea! Also just love the idea of a Super Pubby Person. Maybe it could be an actual job and not just a show!
Too funny, but it can’t be called Super Pubby. That would be the Food Network show about British cuisine that you would catch somewhere between Kitchen Nightmares and Iron Chef America. Seriously though, this could be a great pitch for a Book TV show, as in how to avoid the pitfalls of the publicity tour. It could be like Sarah’s House on Home and Garden Television. Except, without the house. Or Sarah.
I think the Super Pubby would also travel with a bar so they could whip up martinis as needed.
Keep on touring baby!